Jesus Saves (*offer not valid for non-human species)

Evangelicals, do you ever ask yourselves who the hell on earth will take care of your God-damned pets after you get levitated to Jesus? How are you gonna inform all the poor, confused slobs left behind of your ascension into Him?

Thankfully, there are options out there ranging from pet care to post-rapture message delivery services so you can tie up all those loose ends and really party in the clouds!


*This is crazy stuff people! After a lot of thinking I have decided that animals DO get to go to heaven. Do they not have souls? If we loved them so much in life, why would God deprive us of their eternal company? Animals are just like us and they get to have a good time in heaven, too! Look, I found pictures! "No more prejudice, no more judgement!"

"I can finally dress how I feel."

"This is where I want to be, Mama!"

"I met my ancestors in heaven and it changed my whole worldview."

"Soldier of Christ."

"Massage my fin. All I ever wanted was to be loved."