Jesus Saves (*offer not valid for non-human species)

Evangelicals, do you ever ask yourselves who the hell on earth will take care of your God-damned pets after you get levitated to Jesus? How are you gonna inform all the poor, confused slobs left behind of your ascension into Him?

Thankfully, there are options out there ranging from pet care to post-rapture message delivery services so you can tie up all those loose ends and really party in the clouds!


*This is crazy stuff people! After a lot of thinking I have decided that animals DO get to go to heaven. Do they not have souls? If we loved them so much in life, why would God deprive us of their eternal company? Animals are just like us and they get to have a good time in heaven, too! Look, I found pictures! "No more prejudice, no more judgement!"

"I can finally dress how I feel."

"This is where I want to be, Mama!"

"I met my ancestors in heaven and it changed my whole worldview."

"Soldier of Christ."

"Massage my fin. All I ever wanted was to be loved."

CNN Shifts Journalistic Focus from Charles Manson to Accidental Cocaine Inhalation

Everyone has heard about how pretty much all paper currency has traces of cocaine on it. This seems plausible if you sit in an armchair and think about it for a minute.

But scientist Yuegang Zuo didn't have an armchair (just a hammock). He needed to prove it. After all, scientific evidence of this cocaine-on-money theory is what all of us have been waiting for.

Lo and behold, Yuegang found that, "Not all bills are involved in drug use; they can get contaminated inside currency-counting machines at the bank."

Wow! He should do another test to see if traces of the white stuff can transfer in a wallet. How about in a purse or money clip? Hmmm...There's a lot more work to be done on this important topic.

Adam Negrusz, an associate professor of forensic sciences explains the reason for the research, and it's NOT media coverage (liar's language is highlighted).

"Imagine a bank teller who's working with cash-counting machine in the basement of the bank," Negrusz said. "Many of those bills, over 90 percent, are contaminated with cocaine. There is cocaine dust around the machines. These bank tellers breathe in cocaine. Cocaine gets into system, and you can test positive for cocaine. ... That's what's behind this whole thing that triggered testing money for drugs."*

This is utter bullshit. It's safe to say that if you test positive for cocaine, you were taking it nasally, intentionally, to the inside back of your face.

CNN, time to go back to serial killers. How 'bout an exposé on Jack the Ripper? You're only 120 years late.

Links:
Bank tellers don't test positive for cocaine (unless they used it).
People have tried this excuse in court, and failed.

*For an interesting take on deception in written and spoken language, check this out.

We're old enough to make babies, and maybe we will!

When ranked against other countries, American kids get comparatively dumber in science between 4th and 8th grade. That's just around the time they start thinking they're smarter than everyone else. Not cute. Check out these "science" projects.

She's super-nice and just trying to help you understand that evolution is wrong. Trust her.

Kent Hovind's Got It All Figured Out

Have you ever heard the idea from Christian Creationists that dinosaurs and dragons were One And The Same ? I hadn't either...until I encountered the well-spoken Kent Hovind, currently serving time for "tax problems" (evidence illuminated towards the end).

Lucid, Rational and Reasonable ~ Rod Rodillon is a Psychic Superman

Rod uses what he refers to as "psychic software programs", which exist in his mind, to help him relate the dates and numbers from hundreds of shows and movies into psychic connections. He then power-crams all the information into mercifully concise 90 minute podcasts...almost every day.

He likes to run his "Superman Software Program" but often switches over to his "Batman Software Program". A must listen; the connections he finds are indisputable and very important for the future of our world.

*Rod here is a real character and very interesting for any mind-divers/psychonauts-by-proxy. Getting blazed before listening to any of his podcasts is probably advisable.